


Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

by Ryaninthesky



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Jess Knows Kara Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, everyone is also gay, everyone knows Kara Danvers is Supergirl, they're just too polite to say anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-04 07:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12164178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryaninthesky/pseuds/Ryaninthesky
Summary: The denizens of National City are just as frustrated with Lena and Kara's mutual pining as all the rest of us. And they're determined to do something about it.Featuring Jess the Secretary as the Mastermind, Oblivious!Idiots Lena and Kara, pop culture  references, and surprise appearances by Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, and Kate Kane.





	1. Chapter 1

“I’m not saying it’s not a good plan.” Heads nodded all around the circle. “No one’s saying that. We’re just thinking it might be time to try something more….non-traditional.”

The shadowy figure of a woman steepled her fingers on the heavy wooden table in front of her, the frail light catching just enough of her profile to be menacing. If there’s anyone who appreciates drama, it’s this group.

“I see. And you’re all in agreement on this?”

Heads continued nodding, but much slower than before.

Jess sighed, pressing a hand to the bridge of her nose in a gesture unsurprisingly reminiscent of her employer.

“Fine. We’ll go ahead with the operations we already have planned, but after that, I want to hear some _ideas.”_

 

***

 

“Supergirl!” Jess’s voice was high and strained. “It’s Livewire! She’s taken Ms. Luthor hostage, and she left this note for you.” Lena’s office was surprisingly clean, the only evidence that something was amiss the broken window, faint smell of ozone, and the missing CEO.

Kara took the letter awkwardly. Should she be trying to comfort Jess? She’d be the first to admit that she didn’t know her that well - didn't even know her last name, in fact. The poor woman must be in shock; but for the slight furrow at her brow, she looked like she’d just had a run-in with a particularly unpleasant department head, not a wanted criminal.

Then again, this had been happening often enough in the last few weeks that Supergirl had given Jess a direct-contact panic button, so maybe she’s just getting used to it.

Either way, Jess was looking at her expectantly, and even Supergirl wasn't immune to Jess’s intimidation tactics.

‘SUPERGIRL’

Okay, who else did she think was going to be reading this, Batman? In National City? Honestly. Villains were so dramatic.

(And Lena was _hers,_  dammit. If Kara needed help rescuing her friend, she’d freaking call, but it wasn’t like she went around willy-nilly rescuing Selina Kyle every time some metahuman felt like making a statement. There was such a thing as professional courtesy, after all)

‘I HAVE KIDNAPPED LENA LUTHOR’

Thanks for the pertinent information, Leslie.

‘COME ALONE TO THE ABANDONED L-CORP WAREHOUSE AT SUNDOWN OR SHE DIES.’

It was...actually kind of nice of her to refer to it as L-Corp rather than LutherCorp. Lena had been having so much trouble with the branding.

“Alex?” Kara spoke into her DEO-issue communicator.

“Agent Danvers.”

“What? Alex, it’s me.”

“No-Supergirl, I’m Agent Danvers. Remember? We had that presentation on protocol in front of civilians? Winn used all the powerpoint animations?”

Kara remembered. It had been very impressive.

“It’s just Jess.” She flicked her eyes towards the assistant in question, who was gathering up a few stray papers that had fallen from the desk and pointedly Not Listening.

“I can’t even - What do you need, Supergirl?” Kara didn’t need super senses to hear the exasperation in her sister’s voice, that was for sure.

“It’s Lena! She’s be-”

“-en kidnapped.” Alex finished for her. “Who is it this time?”

“Livewire. She left a note.”

“Demands?”

“Oh, uh, she wants to meet me in a warehouse. Alone.”

“Nothing else?”

Now that she mentioned it, it was suspicious that Leslie wouldn’t ask for an obscene amount of money, or a secret alien weapon. The key to the city. A latte. Something.

“Well obviously it’s a trap. Bring the note to the DEO; assuming it’s not poisoned, we can-” Alex paused as there was a decidedly non-Super yelp on the line, and then silence.

“Supergirl?”

“Uh. Yeah. Yes. I’m here.”

“You vaporized the note, didn’t you.”

“Sorry?”

 

***

 

“Look, Limewire-”

“It’s Livewire. LIVEWIRE. Honestly, why can no one get that right? It’s not that hard!”

“Whatever you’re trying to do,” Lena pressed on. “It’s not going to work. Supergirl will stop you.”

“If only.” Livewire retorted, rolling her eyes.

“Justice will - wait, what?”

“There are some people in this town a lot scarier than Supergirl, Ms. Luthor, and that’s all I’m saying. Now hold still.” Livewire stepped back from the wall she’d chained Lena to, considering the tableau with an artist’s eye. Thick iron braces encircled Lena’s ankles, and her arms were cuffed behind her back, forcing her chest forward. In the struggle and ensuing kidnapping, somehow Lena’s clothes had become torn in a few key places, offering glimpses of pale stomach and thigh. Livewire reached forward, paused, then popped a few buttons on Lena’s blouse, tugging at the fabric until just the edge of a lacy black bra was showing.

“What, ah,” Lena swallowed nervously, “What are you doing?”

“Honestly? A public service.” She removed Lena’s hair from its’ updo, twisting it into loose curls down and over one of the CEO’s shoulders with only a little bit more force than necessary. Hey, she was a villain after all. And possibly a little bitter that superhuman electric power also seemed to come with permanent static frizz. There really was no justice in this world.

“Unhand her, you villain!”

Both Livewire and Lena stared at Kara in stunned silence.

Crap. She really needed to stop watching cartoons before bed.  

“I mean, uh.” Kara planted her hands on her hips and tried to go for an intimidating glare, but it fell a little as the silence dragged on.

“Supergirl! You’ve come to try to rescue your friend from my evil clutches!” Livewire supplied helpfully. “But as you can see, she’s a little...tied up, at the moment.” To prove her point, she yanked on the chains connected to Lena’s arms, pulling her shoulders tight against the wall.

With great tact and graciousness, Livewire waited patiently while Kara stared slightly open-mouthed at Lena, and Lena tried not to blush and pretended that Kara wasn’t staring, and both tried not to look like they were enjoying it at all.

Well, for a few minutes, anyway. Patience had never been one of her strong suits.

“It was all a clever ruse! Now, Supergirl…”

No reaction.

“Supergirl?” She tried again. Maybe she shouldn’t have opened that last button.

With an annoyed huff, Livewire snapped her fingers in the direction of the unresponsive superhero.

“Huh?”

“As I was saying, a clever ruse, you never even saw it coming, and now I will rid Natonal City of its’ annoying superhero once and for all.”

“It’s a trap!” Lena provided.

Livewire sent a frustrated glare in the general direction of her captive. There was a reason she’d been avoiding that particular phrasing. God, she hated Star Wars.

“We’ve _established_ that, thank you.” She turned back to Kara. “As I was saying, you’ve walked into my fiendishly designed” dammit, now she couldn’t think of anything else, “trap. The only option is to surrender to our evil designs, or your girlfriend get it.”

Supergirl honest-to-God _blushed._ Livewire didn’t even know that was possible.

“She's not my girlfriend.” Kara mumbled.

“Seriously? _That's_ what you’re focusing on?”

“Well…”

“Not to judge your nefarious plots, but have do you actually _have_ any evil designs other than trying to get me out my clothes?” Lena asked, raising one perfectly (and expensively) arched eyebrow.

Okay, well, when you put it that way, Livewire guessed it did look a little suspicious.

Kara’s eyes flickered between the two of them in confusion, and she was beginning to look a little sick.

“Oh, Rao…”

‘Come on,’ Livewire urged her telepathically. They were so close to a breakthrough, and she could finally put this whole sordid affair behind her and get back to proper villany. ‘You can do it. You’re almost there.’

“Is this some kind of...foreplay?”

Or not.

Supergirl, Girl of Steel, nigh-indestructible protector of National City, was staring at her boots like a child who had just had her favorite toy taken away. Even her cape seemed to droop.

“I mean, I’m not going to judge...okay maybe I’d judge a little, because hello, supervillain, but really you could have told me. As long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual, right? Because consent is really important.”

What, _what?_

Jesus _fucking_ Christ.

It didn't even make any sense! Why the hell would she-

She didn't even-

Lena, of course, was being absolutely no help at all. She was just standing there, fidgeting - okay, to be fair she was still chained up, and Livewire knew it had to be uncomfortable but she didn’t think this would take so _long_ \- and watching Kara with a kind of tortured amusement, the way one might watch a puppy try to navigate a linoleum floor. Like you know you should pick them up, pat them on the butt, and move them to the carpet, but _bless their little hearts,_ they’re just trying so _hard._

Livewire didn't know why she thought this would be anything less than a complete and utter disaster.

She managed to cut Kara off before she could get any further into what sounded like some suspiciously well-researched opinions on sexual power dynamics between super-powered and normal individuals.

“Wait, how would you even-” Focus, Leslie “no, no, no, I don’t want to know. This is not some kind of _sex thing.”_ I’ll take ‘words I never thought I’d have to say to Supergirl’ for a thousand, Alex. “This is a scheme! Very serious, very evil. World-wide implications. There are lasers. Sharks. Sharks with lasers. Just waiting for my signal to flood National City, causing mayhem and mass panic.” She’d gotten a tidy settlement after suing the creators of Sharknado for that particular idea.

“Golly.”

Livewire stared. “‘Golly?’” She mimicked holding a phone to her ear. “Yes, hello, the 1950’s called and they want their words and clothes and shitty male caricatures back.”

“Says the woman who uses ‘ruse’ unironically!”

“Ruse is a perfectly acceptable and descriptive word!” She shook her head. They were getting off-track again.

“All I have to do is give the signal, and that water main up there” she pointed to the ceiling emphatically, “will overflow the holding tank, unleashing electrified laser shark carnage the likes of which the world has never seen!”

3...

Evil laugh.

2…

Large, red button marked ‘Sharks’

1…

Cue heat ray vision busting open said pipe, slowly flooding the warehouse.

“What a completely unforeseen and tragic happenstance! My plans! My beautiful, beautiful, evil plans!”

She wondered if she was laying it on a little thick, but it _was_ Supergirl they were talking about here.

“Oh the humanity! What a world, what a world…” Keeping carefully dry, she slipped into a concealed hatch in the floor and disappeared, confident that the Super and Luthor would be too busy awkwardly flirting to wonder where she’d gone.

Supervillan disposed of, Kara splashed over to Lena, breaking through the cuffs with perhaps a bit more force than strictly necessary, but hey, she knew the suit did good things for her muscles. Things that she was not above playing up, just in case Lena had perhaps missed them. Lena stumbled slightly after being tied up for so long, catching herself on Kara’s biceps.

“My hero.” She smiled.

“Anytime.” Kara grinned back, happy to see her friend looked no worse for the wear after the admittedly strange kidnapping. “And I’m really glad you aren’t dating Livewire.”

“Oh?” Lena hadn’t moved her hands, and Kara was starting to wonder if maybe the water was conducting Livewire’s powers, because tiny shocks were pinging through her body and her heart was doing that same clench-y thing that had happened when they’d first fought. She really, really hoped she wasn’t going to faint. It wasn’t great for her Superhero cred.

“She’s not really my type.” Lena leaned in to whisper conspiratorially, and, wow, that was an interesting sensation. Like a heart attack and not being able to breathe and possibly becoming paralyzed, but in a good way.

“Oh.”

Come on, Kara, you can do better than that.

“Good.”

There you go.

Kara mentally high-fived herself when Lena let out a surprised little laugh. Had her eyes always been that mesmerizing shade of green? Or, Rao, the way her cheeks dimpled when she smiled, ducking her head like she was embarrassed to be seen showing such emotion.

“You’re getting wet.”

No kidding.

Lena was looking at her, expectantly and then a little worriedly when she didn’t immediately respond.

Oh.

_Oh._

Warehouse rapidly filling with water. Right.

She swept Lena up in her arms, going for suave and cool and just about tripping over her own cape. Still, she managed to keep it an almost. Nobody needed to know.

“Up, up, and away?”

 

***

 

“Jess? Please see if Mr. Smith is available. I’d like to go over the new security measures.”

“Mr. Smith is home sick today, Ms. Luthor. Shall I schedule a meeting in a few days?”

Lena tapped a pen to her lips. She’d really wanted to get started on the renovations, but perhaps a few days wouldn’t hurt. Especially since she couldn’t recall the hatchet-jawed head of security ever taking a sick day.

“That should be fine. And Jess-”

“You had lunch delivered to his house as a get well soon gesture.”

Lena smiled. “Thanks. I don’t know what I’d ever do without you.”

“Me either,” Jess growled under her breath. Was it so bad that she only felt a little bit guilty for calling in a few favors to give Bill a mild case of the flu? Sacrifices had to be made for the greater good, surely he’d understand that.

“I’m sorry?”

“Ms. Danvers is here to see you.” Jess waved Kara through without looking up from her desk. Kryptonians might not be mind readers, but she was sure the frustration of the last week would be written all over her face regardless.

“She knows she can call me Kara, right?” Kara asked as the door swung shut behind her.

“I think she’s still mad about the time you used your powers to break into my office.” Lena was seated at her desk, papers strewn before her and the sun streaming in through the wide windows, catching highlights of blonde and copper in her dark hair. Kara’s hands itched for oils and a brush, the colors already mixing themselves in her mind. Skin pale as the dawn over the Jewel Mountains. Lips deep and red and dangerous as the Scarlet Jungle.

Eyes a color Kara had never had a word for, until she came to this planet with it’s yellow-hot sun, and experienced the riot of a red-absorbing world.

“Are you pouting because of my assistant?” Lena teased gently, and Kara shook herself out of her daze enough to grin back. It had been happening too often, this spacing out around Lena. She needed to focus. If she didn’t, if she allowed herself time to get lost in these thoughts, someone could get hurt. Lena could get hurt.

“So. How are you doing?”

“After the fourth kidnapping attempt? I’m beginning to wonder what’s wrong every day I _don’t_ get threatened by a supervillain.”

“Don’t - it’s not a _joke,_ Lena.”

“Not even the woman who was yelling about destroying Australia? She didn’t even get past the front door before her girlfriend showed up and threatened to leave her if she didn’t, quote, ‘stop getting involved in other people’s business just because she missed stealing shit.’”

Still, Kara was not reassured. Yes, the attempts had had varying levels of professionalism, ranging from ‘actually successful’ to ‘possibly a drunken dare.’ But that wasn’t the point. Lena was in danger, and she seemed bent on treating it all like some elaborate game. Kara had lost more than a few nights sleep hovering just out of sight of Lena’s apartment, because the alternative was nightmares where she was a second too late, a step too slow, and…

No. Lena was safe, and alive, and here.

“I know.” Lena smiled at her reassuringly. “I promise, I _am_ taking this seriously. I have my head of security working on new measures. Or, I will as soon as he’s back to work. And,” she widened her smile to a teasing grin, looking so young it made Kara’s heart ache. “I still have Supergirl.”

Yes, yes she did. More than she knew.

***

Lena was working late.

That wasn’t really a surprise. She’d moved her company’s entire base of operations and was attempting to completely change its’ branding and direction. That was the kind of thing that took more than a few working lunches.

It’s just…

She spun her chair around to take in the National City skyline, absently chewing on a pen. It was a bad habit, a tic left over from her college days and too much time spent in the lab. But then, she had plenty of bad habits. She had learned - was still learning - that about herself; how to manage them, how to minimize them, picking the battles to fight with her own mind. A pack of cheap plastic pens in her desk drawer was worth more than the few aborted therapy sessions she’d attended.

Bad habits, like falling in love with her best friend.

God, she was so _stupid._

It had been so easy, with Kara, and she’d needed a friend so badly, that she was already half in love with her by the time she looked up at her one day, into those clear blue eyes and broad smile, and felt herself melt. Recognized the feeling from those first days with Jack, when everything was exciting and new and world-changing.

She hadn’t known then just how ‘world-changing’ it would be.

She works late, because she meets Kara for lunch and ignores the time.

She works late, because she spends a half-hour daydreaming about what it would be like to wake up next to Kara in the morning, to integrate the little things she knows about her into a fuller whole. Pancakes instead of fruit and yogurt. Juice instead of coffee.

She works late, because her apartment doesn’t have a balcony and the growing part of her that cares about these things remembers how Kara had swept in that first time, coming just because Lena had asked.

She’s coping. Not well, perhaps, not enough to offset the hopeless longing and cold, empty nights, but it’s something.

And even if it’s not enough…

She’s safe, here in this limbo. She thinks of Shrodenger’s cat, caught in a superposition, both alive and dead until someone opens the box and takes a look. She feels like that, when she’s with Kara. She’s too afraid to open the box, to admit her feelings, because then there is the chance of rejection. But she’s not strong enough to abandon the addicting feelings either.

So she sends flowers, and she arranges lunches, and chews on the ends of cheap pens, and she works late.

 

***

 

“I’ll admit, there have been a few set-backs. So let’s open up the floor. Who’s got something they want to try?”

Two hands immediately flew up in the air, but they both belonged to the same person, and Jess streadfastly refused to look in that direction.

“Anyone?”

“Oh, me! Pick me!”

With a long-suffering sigh and a quick prayer, Jess did.

“What’ve you got, Harley?”


	2. Chapter 2

“Lena? What is it? Look, this is not exactly a good time…”

“I think something’s happened to Kara.”

“What?!” Alex put her hand over her phone and growled at Winn to ‘Get me Supergirl’s coordinates. Now!’

Frantic typing, and then - 

“She just...disappeared.”

“Lena, what the  _ hell  _ is going on?”

“I-you’d better get a team to my office, Alex. As quickly as you can.”

The call ended abruptly as Alex didn’t even bother to say good bye. The silence in her office was suddenly stifling, and Lena sank down to the confetti-covered floor. The bomb-shaped box had exploded the moment she’d stepped foot in the room, coating everything in a blizzard of red and black colored paper. Inside, there had been no indication of who the bomb had come from. Only a map, a plush Supergirl doll, and a timer methodically counting down.

 

***

 

Jess shook her head, the beginning of a migraine forming behind her eyes. “I just don’t see how this is any different that what we’ve already been doing?”

“It’s  _ loads _ different!”

“Right. Instead of kidnapping Lena and waiting for Supergirl to save her, you’re going to kidnap Supergirl and engineer events so Lena has to save her. I can’t see how I could have gotten confused.”

“Right! You’ve gotta change it up! Of course they’re never gonna get together if you have Supergirl savin’ the day all the time. You’ve gotta deconstruct the traditional power dynamics before you can find meaning in the text. Ain’t you ever read Derrida?”

Another sigh, longer and full of existential angst.

“Are you  _ absolutely sure _ this will work?”

“Hey, they don’t call me the Cupid of Crime for nuthin’.”

“Nobody calls you that, Quinn.” 

Harley glared at Livewire. “Which one of us has a standalone title here, Lightbulb?”

As the other members at the table tried to keep Livewire and Harley Quinn from killing each other (or taking out any totally innocent bystanders), no one noticed a woman slip out the door into the cool night air.

 

***

 

“No.”

“Alex.”

“Absolutely not.”

“I’m not asking your permission.”

“Good, because I’m not giving it to you.”

“Seriously?”

Alex pulled Lena away from the team of DEO agents, who were pointedly ignoring their increasingly heated discussion. They’d followed the map to yet  _ another _ abandoned warehouse - Lena was going to bring this apparent abandoned building problem up with the mayor the next time she saw her - and Alex was preparing a DEO strike team to go in, asses the situation, and hopefully rescue Kara without too much fuss. 

“I know you’ve been consulting with the DEO but you’re still a totally untrained civilian. There is no way I’m taking you in there. Not to mention the terrible things Kara would do to me if anything happened to you.”

Lena scoffed. “Like what? Switch your salt and sugar around? I’ve met four-year-old children more threatening than Kara.”

_ To you, maybe.  _ Alex thought. Kara could be plenty threatening when someone she loved was in danger, but Alex knew she made an effort to tone down that side of her personality in front of Lena.

“The answer is still no. Don’t make me have to throw you in a holding cell.”

Lena looked like she wanted to press the point some more, but Alex checked her watch. They were running out of time, and they both knew it.

“Fine. fine. Just...don’t let anything happen to her.”

Alex rested a hand on Lena’s shoulder. “Never.”

Looking small and fragile, Lena watched as Alex and the rest of the team disappeared into the warehouse before she cautiously made her way to a darkened corner of the building. She reached into her large designer bag, pulling out a fitted black tactical uniform and utility belt. Multiple metal and plastic canisters slotted into place, an armory of non-lethal weapons and gadgets finding homes in various pockets and pouches. 

_ Honestly,  _ Lena thought, as she shot towards an open upstairs window via grappling gun.  _ Danvers sisters were way too trusting. _

 

***

 

“Hey Maggie. Would it be too much to hope that this is a purely social call?”

“I’m sorry.” She really was. Maggie had infiltrated this little group about the time that Livewire joined up, both to keep an eye on it and for the totally-not-selfish reason that she might have some more free time with her own girlfriend if they could get Kara laid. “I know I promised to try to keep you out of this.”

“Occupational hazard. Don’t worry about it.”

“Can you come up with some urgent business in National City? When Harley Quinn starts playing matchmaker, I’d feel a lot better with someone from the Bat family around.”

“Even with Supergirl?”

“When Supergirl’s one of the one’s she’s trying to hook up? Absolutely.”

 

***

 

Alex raised a hand, shooting two fingers to either side of the door. Black-clad men hurried to take up their positions, and she waited while everyone double-checked their gear. Harley Quinn might be crazy, but she was no fool.

She lowered her fingers one by one. 

4...3...2…1…

The doors flew open easily, highly trained operatives swarming into the cavernous main room. Alex scanned for threats automatically, eyes flitting to each potential hiding spot or entrance. Nothing but immobile industrial equipment and a slightly musty smell that tickled her nose and made her want to sneeze. This place was probably riddled with mold; she was going to  _ kill  _ Kara for being careless enough to get kidnapped. Right after they rescued her safe and sound, of course.

“All clear, ma’am.”

It wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear. She would have preferred a firefight - at least that would have meant catching them by surprise. Or, hell, she really would have liked it if Kara had been sitting there playing games on her phone with Quinn tied up next to her.

Why did it always have to be the hard way?

Suddenly, all the lights in the warehouse flickered on, because of course they did. Alex strained to find one tiny detail, to figure out what they’d overlooked, but there was no life in the room other than the DEO team.

Until, that is, the ancient speaker system crackled to life.

“Stop! In the name of love!”

“It’s Quinn!”

“Let’s give a warm, warm welcome to our special guests! Wooooahh, Woooah.” Harley was clearly making the crowd noises herself. “Here all the way from some shadowy government agency!”

“Where the hell is she!”

Their questions were answered momentarily when Harley Quinn flipped into an honest-to-God spotlight trained on a ceiling beam, holding a microphone without a care in the world.

Immediately, every gun in the room was trained on the black-and-red figure.

“And we’re just so glad they could make it here in time for the main event, aren’t we, folks?” More  _ sotto voce  _ crowd noises. 

Goddamit, they didn’t have time for this, with Kara being held who-knows-where.

“Where is Supergirl, Quinn!”

“Don’t worry, Secret Agent Lady. Wonder Girl is being treated to our best accommodations. After all, she is the guest of honor!”

Alex wanted to say more - a lot more - but the musty smell was getting more pronounced, burning in her throat and making her cough.

“Ohh, that doesn’t sound good. Nurse?” Harley grinned when Poison Ivy stepped out of the shadows on the ground floor. She’d tried to talk the green-skinned woman into wearing a nurses outfit, for dramatic effect, but had only managed to get Ivy to agree to wear it for her later, in private. Add in the special electrical toys she’d - acquired - and it was going to be one hell of a game of Operation. First things first, though.

“All that spy stuff’s gotta wear on ya. I’m sure you’re just runnin’ yourselves ragged. You know what they say…” She smiled wickedly. None of the agents were moving, paralyzed by Ivy’s special mind-controlling pheromones. Only the tall red-head still seemed to be resisting, her jaw clenched tightly and gun still pointed at Harley as her eyes flicked back and forth between the two women. “All work and no play makes Agent Scully a dull girl.”

Alex wanted to flip her off, she really did, but it’s taking all of her concentration at this point to keep the gun straight. Her body felt so heavy, like she was trapped in pudding…

It was such a Kara thing to think that she lost focus for a moment, and when she came back to herself Poison Ivy was right in front of her, raising a hand to stroke her cheek.

Wow. She’s really pretty.

“Put the gun down, pet.”

And nice. Really nice.

Why is she pointing a gun at the nice ladies?

 

***

 

“Do I want to know why you have Kryptonite handcuffs?”

“Aw, Red, jealous?”

Poinson Ivy flipped her hair over one shoulder and tried to look nonchalant. She did a very, very good job of it. “Hardly.”

“Too bad. I coulda done that thing you like with the joy buzzer…”

“Harl. The handcuffs?”

“I had ta keep some souvenirs from our time in Metropolis. Would ya belive Jimmy Olsen just had these lying around?”

“And why did  _ he  _ have them?”

“Now that’s something I  _ really  _ don’t wanna know the answer to.”

With a little help from Ivy’s plants - because she was really, really heavy - they’d managed to set an unconscious Supergirl in a chair and cuff her to a metal pole in the center of the room. She wouldn’t be out for much longer.

Especially not with Harley slapping her on the face like that. It was a good thing Kryptonians could take a lot of punishment, even with mild kryptonite poisoning.

“Hey there, Sleeping Beauty! Sorry we couldn’t get yer princess here to wake you up with a kiss.”

“Mghshd?” Kara didn’t think anyone could fault her for being slow to wake up. She was tied to  _ kryptonite,  _ for Pete’s sake.

“Don’t worry, at this very moment your lovely lady is scaling the walls to rescue you from your terrible imprisonment at the hands of two devastatingly beatiful  _ femmes fatale!”  _

“Don’t you think that’s laying it on a little thick, Harl?”

“Me? Over-dramatic?” She batted her lashes at Ivy. “Never. Besides, this is true love we’re talking about here! Brining people together; it’s the most important thing in the world. It’s just like the time I useta write that column for the Daily Planet!”

“Wait,  _ you're  _ ‘Chance at Love’?” Great. Of course Kara found her voice at the exact moment she was about to say something totally asinine. Perfect.

Harley grinned happily. Which, wasn't that different from her other expressions, but she seemed excited to have her journalistic accomplishments acknowledged.

At least that explained the response Kara had gotten when she'd written in for advice after accidentally breaking the nose of the first boy who had tried to kiss her. “Anyone who can't handle a little mild trauma on the first date isn't worth your time.”

Harley beamed. “We’re  _ helping  _ people!”

“As long as we’re not helping people right back into a cell at Arkham.”

“Poo. Supergirl’d never do that to us, would ya?”

“Uh, no. Of course not.”

“See!”

“Well, I’m convinced.”

Harley turned to Kara. “Ah, don’t let her bother ya. She’s like a cactus; kinda prickly on the outside, but soft and squishy inside."

Kara cut her eyes to Poison Ivy, who was watching them with the same bored expression she’d seen many times during Shark Week. Somehow, she didn’t think she could take Harley at her word.

Harley patted Kara on the cheek. “It’s been fun, cutie, but your princess charming will be here any minute.”

“Hey, hold on! Wait a second!” But Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy had disappeared into the gloom, and with the kryptonite dampening her powers she couldn’t use her x-ray vision.

She really should have asked about the maniacally-grinning giant cupid aiming an arrow at her heart when she had the chance.

 

***

 

“Goddamn motherfucking shit-sucking son of a whore!”

Crawling through air ducts in an industrial building that had been abandoned for who knows how long was not as glamorous as Hollywood made it look.

Lena was covered in dust, plaster, and who knew what else. Actually, scratch that. She didn’t really want to know what else. Her face was mottled red and white with the exertion of army crawling what seemed like fifteen  _ fucking _ miles through the ceiling, and strands of hair had come out of her carefully tactical braid, tickling her face and neck and generally giving her delusions of parasitosis. If they got out of this alive she was dedicating next quarters profits to some very serious house-cleaning.

At least she’d packed the low-light goggles, so she’d be able to  _ see  _ any vermin that might object to her disturbing their no-doubt complex society.

Just a few more yards and she’d be in range of the heat signatures she’d picked up earlier, hopefully without avoiding detection. There would be a few minutes to asses the situation, to see how many people they were up against, to figure out if Kara would be able to help or if she’d have to take them down by herself. She’d have to be very, very careful now...

“Shit!” 

Lena screamed as the duct seemed to crumple beneath her, depositing her in a less-than-graceful heap on the floor. Wow, Kara made those landings look a lot less painful. 

“Lena?!”

Lena picked herself up, wincing a little at the various aches and pains as her body reminded her it was very much not meant for this. She'd have to look into some more high-impact workouts. Maybe crossfit, or one of those obstacle races. Kara would probably like that. She had a sudden vision of Kara, muscles flexing as she flipped one of those massive tires, and nearly tripped herself right back onto the floor.

“Lena?”

_ Pull it together, Luthor. _

With a slight flush that had nothing to do with exertion, Lena hurried over to Kara, running her hands over over her body and carefully examining her. 

To make sure she wasn't hurt.

Not for any other reason at all.

“You're okay?”

Kara seemed to be having trouble speaking. Maybe a residual effect from the kidnapping? Could she even get a concussion?

“Supergirl?”

“Oh, ah, yeah, good to see you.” Kara smiled weakly. “Could you maybe get me out of these cuffs though?”

Lena examined the cuffs, as well as the pole they were linked around. Both were very sturdy, the pole suspiciously so for something found in a mild-mannered former factory. 

“Can't you just-” Lena mimed pulling her wrists apart.

“Kryptonite embedded in the cuffs. It's dampening my powers.”

Lena's eyes softened and she ran a comforting hand over Kara’s shoulder.

“Does it hurt?”

Kara wasn’t quite sure which combination of words would effectively communicate ‘it kind of sucks but I’d let them do this a thousand more times if you just keep touching me’ without also cluing Lena in to the whole ‘I’m desperately in love with you’ thing. She opted instead to take her body’s insistent advice and quietly freak out over the way Lena’s fingers caught slightly on her suit and brushed against the seam, sending very distracting tingles racing down her spine in a way that almost certainly wasn’t slow kryptonite poisoning.

Fortunately, an ominous metallic  _ click _ distracted Kara before she could do something truly idiotic, like moan or nuzzle into Lena’s touch.

Lena slowly turned and gaped at the construction behind her, wide-eyed. “What is  _ that?” _

“Uh, I’m pretty sure it’s a mechanical death machine.”

“Shaped like cupid?”

Kara shrugged. Trying to figure out why Harley Quinn did anything was a rabbit hole she did  _ not  _ want to go down. Especially when the obvious conclusion brought up all sorts of feelings she was stubbornly trying not to deal with.

“Right. Okay.” Lena visibly steeled herself. It was just a machine. A death machine, sure, but the machine hadn’t been built that she couldn’t hack. 

Metal groaned again as steel cables tightened, pulling the very large, very sharp bright red arrow back a few more inches. Lena had no idea how far it would go before releasing, and the visceral reminder pulled her into action.

Luckily, the machine seemed to have been made in a rush. The control panel was obvious and only barely bolted shut; the electric saw at her waist made quick work of it. However, the tangle of wires inside made Lena growl in frustration. Did no one believe in cable management anymore? With shaking fingers she began sorting through the mess. Yet another thing that Hollywood made look a lot easier. Those bastards.

“Lena?” Kara gulped nervously as the bow tightened once again. Her mouth was dry and she was shifting in her seat, but it wasn’t all from mortal terror. Watching Lena fiddle with the mechanical insides of the death machine was quite possibly one of the most erotic things she'd ever witnessed, and she’d managed to talk Alex into removing the parental protections on her laptop, like, ages ago. Well, months, anyway. Alex was a lot nicer (and less over-protective) with Maggie around. 

“I’ve almost” - her eyes danced along the exposed circuitry, following pathways, weighing connections - “got it!”

But she was too late.

The arrow released, cutting through the air. “Kara!” The scream tore from her throat almost as violently, but her muscles had barely tensed before the arrow had covered half the distance. Her mind had failed her. She was too slow, too human, to do anything but watch as the woman she - Kara - 

She moved towards her anyway, helplessly, knowing it was a futile gesture.

Something flew out of the shadows, knocking the arrow off course. It bounced harmlessly to the floor with a harsh scream of metal against concrete. Lena barely spared it a glance as her momentum flung her onto Kara’s lap. She wasn’t exactly fighting against it, either. Not with Kara warm and soft and alive against her.

“I-” Kara looked up at her, eyes searching. Was it Lena’s imagination, the way they flickered lower? Was her racing heart and heaving chest just the result of her near death experience, or?

She couldn’t hold Kara’s gaze. The fathomless blue was too intense, too overwhelming, but she was drawn forward even as her eyes fluttered closed. Maybe, if she couldn’t see it, she could pretend it wasn’t real.

“Yes! Kiss in a moment of life affirmin’ joy!” 

The spell broken, Lena let her head hit Kara’s shoulder with a solid ‘thunk.’ It was quite a bit more solid than a human’s, but she welcomed the slight blossom of pain. Had she really been about to kiss her best friend? 

_ Idiot. _

Perversely, she had Quinn’s apparent fixation on their relationship to thank for her not making a fool out of herself. Come to think of it, how  _ did _ they avoid death by maniacal love god anyway?

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s rude to play in someone else’s sandbox?” A hooded figure stepped into the light. Batwoman, Lena realized, scrambling off of Kara’s lap with a blush. It hadn’t occurred to her that they might not be alone. 

“Aw, you Bats always haveta ruin my fun.” Harley and Ivy emerged from the shadows as well, Harley pouting in truly epic fashion while Ivy looked like she had expected something like this to happen but was still not amused in the slightest by it.

“I don’t think that near-death experiences count as fun.” Batwoman drawled.

Somehow, the comment seemed to perk Harley up. “Aw, c’mon. Are you tellin’ me you never have  _ fun _ ” she layered the word with so much brazen sensuality that Lena could feel Kara blushing to the tips of her ears, even though she was now several feet away and couldn’t take her eyes off of the confrontation playing out in front of them “when we fight? I must be loosin’ my touch.”

“You never had it, Quinn.” Batwoman growled, unimpressed. She was clearly used to the clown’s antics.

“You sure know how to make a woman feel special.” Harley smiled slyly up at the blank, cowelled face. “Is that why it never worked out with that Detective? What was her name?”

“Enough!” Ouch. Clearly a sore spot. Gloved hands came down heavily on the villainess’s shoulders. “You two are going back to Arkham.”

“What for?”

“Escaping it in the first place, kidnapping, attempted murder, being a royal pain in my ass. You decide.”

“Sorry babe. As fun as that sounds, Pammy and I have other plans.” With a wink and a shrill, tuneless whistle, Harley flipped up and behind Batwoman. The door flung open, and suddenly the hero had something else to contend with as she was met with nearly three hundred pounds of slobbering, panting hyena.

“God  _ dammit  _ Quinn!” Batwoman ground out as she fed one of the spotted beasts an armored forearm to protect the rest of her body. The batsuit was good, but hyenas had some of the strongest jaws in nature, and the two on top of her seemed to think she was a particularly animated chew-toy.

Batwoman barely ducked a swing from Harley’s giant wooden mallet as the other hyena decided to start lazily gnawing on her boot.

She really, really hated clowns.

Lena was so distracted by watching the fight in front of her that she didn’t see Poison Ivy silently making her way across the room. In her defense, Harley Quinn’s joy buzzer was pretty cool. Maybe she could even make something like that for herself, perhaps embedded in some kind of glove for protection…

“Now that that rodent is distracted, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about Ms. Luthor.” Poison Ivy was suddenly very much in Lena’s personal space. She could hear Kara struggling frantically to free herself, but Ivy drew all of her attention with a seductive caress of her fingers along Lena’s jaw. “There’s so much good L-Corp could do in this world, if you’re a woman of...vision.” She breathed the word against Lena’s lips, as if saving the rainforest wasn’t the only thing she was envisioning. The clanging of Kara’s handcuffs against the metal pole rang harshly in Lena’s ears, and was that...a growl?

It must have been one of the hyenas, she decided.

“Sorry, Isely.” Lena spat before Poison Ivy’s lips could meet hers, pushing the villainess away harshly. “I think one supervillain per company is quite enough.”

Ivy suddenly looked a lot less soft and seductive as her face contorted with rage and she flung herself at Lena.

“I don’t think so.”

A rope-attached batarang wrapped itself around Ivy several times, and Lena breathed a sigh of relief. She had practiced martial arts for several years and was pretty sure of her skills, although she had yet to really test them in combat. Still. That woman was  _ scary.  _

Somehow, Batwoman had knocked out Harley Quinn and the two hyenas were whining piteously at their mistress’s side. With both of the supervillains tied up, Lena breathed a sigh of relief and turned to Kara, when…

With a rip and a groan, the pole finally gave way even under Kara’s reduced strength. Without pause, Supergirl was immediately on the floor next to the two hyenas, rubbing behind their ears and laughing as they happily licked her face with lolling tongues.

“Who’s a good boy, huh? Is it you?”

Batwoman’s jaw dropped in disbelief. “Is she always like this?”

“Pretty much.” Lena didn’t even try to keep the breathless affection out of her voice as she watched Kara roll around on the floor with the equivalent of 120 pound attack dogs.

“Lena look! He thinks he’s people!”

 

***

 

“I can’t  _ believe  _ you got whammied by Poison Ivy.”

“Shut up.”

“I mean, I’m almost impressed.”

“Shut  _ up. _ ”

“How did you ever think you were straight?” Maggie was having trouble finishing sentences through her laughter.

“I swear to God, Maggie, I will marry you just so I can immediately divorce you.”

Maggie pressed a kiss to Alex’s temple, just above where her girlfriend had currently buried her face in her hands. Deciding that the poor woman had had enough teasing for one day - at least until they were alone - she turned to Lena with a question that had been bothering her.

“I get that she couldn’t use her powers on Kara, but why weren’t you affected?”

Kara looked like she was about to say something dumb like ‘Lena’s straight,’ but Maggie ignored her as Lena fished in her pockets, bringing out mesh nosepieces and a set of fake latex lips.

“Seriously?”

“Batman and Robin is an underrated cinematic masterpiece.” 

“They put  _ nipples  _ on the _b_ _ atsuit.” _

“It’s an exercise in camp that brings much-needed levity to a self-important and overly-dark film series.”

“You sure? You sure it wasn't Alicia Silverstone in leather on a motorcycle?”

Lena blushed slightly and huffed, crossing her arms defensively. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

***

 

“Hey Lena, I know you said you’d be busy but I hoped we could-” Kara cut off abruptly when she saw Lena wasn’t alone in her office. Not only was she not alone, she was not alone with a very attractive woman. A very attractive woman who was on Lena’s side of the desk, their heads bent together as they studied some papers.

Kara felt the doorknob crack slightly in her grip and carefully let it go.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had company.”

“Kara!” At least Lena still looked excited to see her, although Kara couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that she’d interrupted something. “It’s fine. Kate’s an old friend; she was just in National City for work and dropped by to say hello.”

“Kate Kane.” The woman introduced herself smoothly. “It’s a pleasure.” Her tailored grey suit was perfectly cut and clearly expensive. It set off her pale skin and red hair, and probably cost more than Kara made in six months. Next to her, Kara felt like a child in her sun dress and cardigan.

“Kara Danvers.” Kara took Kate’s hand, and barely restrained herself from breaking her fragile, fragile human bones.

“I was just about to suggest lunch.” Kate directed the comment to Lena with a charming smile. “If Lena’s anything like she was in school, she’ll work all day and night if you let her.”

Lena blushed and Kara made a note to have Alex scan the area for red kryptonite.

“I was never that bad.” Lena seemed to sense the tension between the two women, crossing the room and slipping her arm through Kara’s. “Besides, Kara takes excellent care of me. She’s a very good friend.”

“I see. You’re welcome to join us, of course, Kara. There’s a little cafe that I can’t wait to try out.”

Kara had Snapper breathing down her neck, four unanswered texts from Alex, and an open investigation into a smuggling ring she should be looking into.

Of course she was going to lunch.

“So…” Kara started hesitantly the moment Kate excused herself and she was alone with Lena. “You and she are...good friends? Because I thought we were...good friends.” Well done, Supergirl. I can’t imagine how Lena could prefer tall, rich, and charming Kate Kane to someone who acts like a hyperactive five year old every time she opens her mouth. 

“We both hated the same parties.” Lena smiled at the memories. “Her family is one of the wealthiest in Gotham, so we got to know each other quite well before she left for the military.”

_ How well?  _ The question burned in Kara’s throat.

“But I haven’t seen her in several years. Last I heard she was engaged to some detective and burning through her family’s money. I guess we’ve all changed since then.”

Kate returned to the table, effectively cutting off that line of conversation.

“I’m sorry; I hate to keep pretty women waiting.”

“Not at all. I was just giving Kara our back-story, although I see some things haven’t changed. You’re still a shameless flirt.”

Kate hmm’ed noncommittally.

“We’ren’t you engaged to someone?”

“She...broke it off. Our lifestyles just weren’t compatible in the end.”

Lena covered Kate’s hand with one of hers and Kara burned shamefully. How often had Lena offered her that same comfort? Seeing it offered to someone else made her heart clench painfully.

“It’s fine. We’re still friends, she met the love of her life, and I’m free to be a terrible flirt again.”

“I don’t believe you ever stopped.”

Kate acknowledged the comment with a smile. “And you? I’m out of touch with all the good gossip since you moved all the way across the country. Anyone special in your life?”

“Still married to my work, I’m afraid.” Lena sighed. “Kara’s the only one who’ll put up with me.”

“That’s not true.” Kara argued, feeling like the ultimate third wheel but unable to keep silent when Lena was putting herself down. “You’re amazing. Anyone would be lucky to be your friend; Winn practically worships the ground you walk on, Alex might have actually cried when you brought that one bottle of scotch to game night, and even James...” she trailed off, suddenly embarrassed by her outburst.

“Well, I’m glad Lena has a friend like you.” Kate was still smiling that secret smile, but Kara could barely see it when Lena was looking at her like she was her own personal hero.

Suddenly lunch didn’t seem that bad.

 

***

 

Exactly two months after the whole sordid affair had begun, Jess calmly strode into Lena’s office and placed a single sheet of paper between Lena’s salad and Kara’s three hamburgers.

“Jess, what?” 

Jess shook her head, cutting off Lena’s question, and tapped one finger against the glossy white paper emphatically. 

“Ms. Luthor, this is my resignation.”

Had a krpytonite bomb gone off in the room, followed by the entirety of Cadmus singing ‘Killer Queen’ and conducted by Lilian Luthor, it could hardly have caused such confused panic.

Kara looked like someone had told her the Chinese had declared a moratorium on potstickers.

Lena looked like someone had told her bold lipstick colors were passe.

Jess merely looked determined.

“Why?” Lena managed to strangle out.

“I just can't take it anymore! I thought we were trying to run a business here! ‘Come to National City with me, Jess’ you said. ‘We’re going to revolutionize the industry,’ you said. I didn’t know the duties of being assistant to the most powerful woman in the city included finding a goddamn private jet to ship flowers from Hawaii just because you’re too chickenshit to ask your best friend out on a date.”

Both of the women in front of her flushed heavily, looking anywhere but at each other, but Jess was on a roll.

“I constantly have to rearrange your schedule around work dates or lunch dates or whenever-the-hell-Kara-decides-to-show-up dates. You stay late just in case Supergirl happens to fly by. You give CatCo so many exclusives that I have to bribe other news outlets just to show up to the press conferences!”

“Jess, I would never let my  _ friendship,”  _ Lena was a Luthor after all, and recovered more quickly than Kara, who still looked rather stunned, “with Kara impact my work.”

“I had to print off a 250 page contract three times because you couldn't decide whether you liked ‘Lena Zor-El’ or ‘Lena Danvers’ better.”

“I-”

“There were  _ hearts.” _

Well, that at least got Kara’s attention, who snapped her head around so fast it would have given a human whiplash. She was looking at Lena with something like awe. Lena, on the other hand, was blushing so brightly red that Jess would have been worried she might faint if that didn’t sound exactly like the kind of romantic comedy plot that might finally move this relationship along.

“But I thought, hey, the job pays well. I’m an assistant. I’ll assist. And I’ve  _ tried,  _ okay. I’ve tried  _ everything.  _ But somehow you both are still blind to what’s in front of your stupid-in-love faces. So either you two stop pining over each other and get your relationship in order or I  _ quit.” _

Jess paused, breathing hard and looking a little manic. She’d tried to avoid this, she really had, but there was only so much frustration one poor woman could take. 

Luckily, Lena seemed to pick up on the fact that her possibly-soon-to-be-ex-assistant was on the verge of the kind of nervous breakdown that caused perfectly normal, rational people to go full super villain.

“So the candlelit dinners where Kara shows up instead of the investor who is mysteriously absent…”

“And the kidnappings…” Kara joined in, softly.

“And Kate Kane…”

“That was...not me, actually.” 

“Oh.” Kara looked relieved, and then slightly murderous at the idea that the beautiful redhead hitting on Lena might have been real and not some elaborately constructed ploy. Lena quickly picked up on Kara’s expression - of course she did, Jess thought darkly - and took her hand with a warm and softly reassuring smile.

“Kara…” Lena glanced towards Jess, who merely raised a eyebrow challengingly, and took a deep, calming breath. “Would you like to, maybe, have dinner? With me?”

“I’ve cleared your schedule for Friday evening.” Jess added pointedly.

“Friday at 7, then?”

“Are you sure, Lena? You don’t have to do this, just because...” Kara entwined her fingers with Lena's. This was everything she’d ever wanted, and she wished for once that she could just  _ shut up,  _ could be a little more selfish, because it was  _ Lena  _ and she was  _ here  _ and she was  _ asking Kara on a date. _ Kara, who seemed hell-bent on giving her every possible reason to take it back. Kara, who, as usual, was reduced to a babbling idiot around Lena Luthor.

“No, I-I do. If you want to?” Lena was worrying her bottom lip with her teeth, eyes downcast, and Kara had never been able to resist that mix of vulnerability and sensuality. It made her chest expand with so many feelings and words, words like  _ protect  _ and  _ always  _ and  _ love. _ She could feel them rising within her, knew that if she opened her mouth all that would come out was a jumbled mess of things she wasn’t quite ready to say.

She pressed them against Lena’s lips, instead, and hoped she got the message.

“I do. Want. I mean.” Kara said, as soon as her self-control and need for oxygen were at their limits. She took a breath, which actually had the exact opposite effect of calming her down when Lena’s lips and eyes and face and everything were  _ right there,  _ and she could smell her perfume and hear her heart racing. “I would love to have dinner with you.”

“Great! Settled. Perfect.” Jess’s face had fallen into a professional mask again. This was the outcome she’d hoped for, obviously, the culmination of months of careful planning and strategy and a not inconsequential amount of alcohol, but that didn’t mean she necessarily wanted to be in the room when her boss and her boss’s girlfriend finally realized their undying love. Or whatever.

She plucked the resignation letter from Lena’s desk. “You have an hour before your next meeting, Ms. Luthor. Enjoy your lunch.” 

And if she allowed herself a small smile of victory as she swept out of the office, well, she’d earned it.

“You’re going to have to give Jess a raise.” Kara reached for one of her rapidly-cooling hamburgers, an attempt that was quickly aborted when she found her lap suddenly full of a very determined looking CEO who began peppering kisses along her throat.  _ Rao _ ...she never thought she could feel this hungry for something that wasn’t food.

“Well.” Lena pulled back momentarily to smirk at her, although the effect was altered somewhat by her shallow breath and shining eyes. “She is a  _ very  _ good assistant.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all plot holes will be attributed to the Jess ex machina. If you enjoyed this little foray into insanity, please take just a moment to leave a comment. They mean the world to me. Thanks!
> 
> For Supercorp, flailing over Katie McGrath's perfect face, and general nerdiness, find me on tumblr at ryaninthesky12


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